Here we go

For the past 3 years, I have struggled with alcoholism, though I never would have admitted it. In fact, I outright denied it to myself & everyone around me. It had a huge impact on my marriage and contributed a lot of issues. Eventually we decided to separate and pursue divorce, though I can honestly say alcohol was not the only factor. It had a huge impact on my children. They saw their loving, good natured, usually sweet mom turn into a slurring, combative & sometimes physical monster. It had an impact on my sisters & parents, who struggled to watch the person they knew & loved turn into a stranger. Worse yet, I refused to get help because I didn't have a problem. Finally, it affected the relationship I was building with the man I thought was my other half. I never expected to meet him & yet I knew when I did that I was beyond lucky. I put him through the ringer with my problem, causing him to dump me, move out of our apartment & now us trying to figure out how to separate the life we started building together.

The problem started after having gastric bypass surgery, which I am learning is quite common with people who have that surgery. Yes, they tell you that you will metabolize alcohol differently, but that meant nothing to me. It turns out, not only do you get drunk faster, you stay drunk longer. I also found I ate better after drinking which is also very common.

So, what finally led me to admit I had a problem and needed help. A few days ago, I drank at home, even though I said I would never bring alcohol into the apartment, drank, picked up my roommate/ex-boyfriend up from work drunk, argued with him & ended up taking a handful of Wellbutrin medication. My roommate called the cops who took me to the ER and then to detox for 48 hours. It was an extremely scary wake up cell and I was terrified being there. I realized I could easily be like the repeat offenders there & lose my children and everyone I loved. My roommate was close to moving back in and when I returned from detox, his most important items were gone and I realized he was probably never coming back. I deserved it and expected it but was crushed. I knew I had pushed him past his breaking point but I hoped there would be one more chance. I doubt there is but I hold out hope. I surrendered, truly surrendered, to God and am letting him take over my life. I know that it may not be what I want but I have to trust in him. This blog will document my journey through recovery and a way for me to journal my feelings. Hopefully it will help someone else through their journey.

At the start of this blog, I have been sober for 4 days.